As we’ve all been hearing since our school days, humans are social animals. This means that the quality of our relationship with other people plays a vital role in our well-being. Whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, family dynamics, or professional settings, how we communicate, connect, and resolve conflict significantly shapes the health and longevity of these bonds.
Mutual respect, trust, vulnerability and being considerate of one’s emotional needs, all maintain a complex interplay in the maintenance of a relationship. However, in the process of handling our daily lives, it is easy to forget how to maintain connections with people.
To understand what fosters a relationship and what aids in its breakdown, psychologists, such as Dr John Gottman, have studied patterns of behavior that emerge in everyday interactions.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. This metaphor has been used by Gottman to describe 4 communication patterns that hamper relationships, signaling its end.
FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Gottman’s 4 horsemen of the apocalypse are the predictors of relationship breakdown:
1. CRITICISM
Criticism means attacking your partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a specific behavior. Criticism is different from a complaint, although the two are often interchangeably used. In this theory, criticism refers to attacking a person at the core of their character. Where complaint refers to voicing out about a particular behavior or action, criticism means dismantling of who they are as a person.
Example:
Complaint: “I didn’t like it when you did not tell me that you were going to be late. It made me worry that something had happened”
Criticism: “I can’t believe you are so selfish. You never think about anyone else.”
Criticism often paves the way for the other horsemen to follow.
2. CONTEMPT
Contempt refers to speaking to your partner with disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, name-calling, eye rolling and so on. This is generally known to be the deadliest horseman. It is done to communicate a sense of superiority over the other person. In simple words, when we speak with contempt, we are truly mean. It is fueled by long-existing and buried negative thoughts about the partner, which leaves the person feeling relatively superior, and is visible in their words or actions.
Example:
Contempt: “You were too busy to do it? Oh please! I’ve been running around all day to take care of everything around here and all you do is complain. I don’t have time to deal with your ridiculousness. You can’t even handle a simple task”
Alternative: “I felt overwhelmed today because there was so much to take care of around the house. I really need your help with some of the tasks. Can we figure out a way to share the responsibilities a bit more evenly?”
3. DEFENSIVENESS
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When one feels that they are accused unfairly, they come up with excuses and try to play the victim to garner sympathy and to make the other person back off. However, this tactic is hardly ever beneficial. This just tells the partner that their concerns are not taken seriously and that they are not capable of taking responsibility for their actions. This also at times include attempts at reversing the blame so that they are not the ones to be blamed for any outcome. Although this may seem like a natural response when being blamed for something they didn't do, it does not allow room for healthy conflict management.
Example:
“Did you tell your parents that we will not be able to make it this weekend?”
Defensiveness: “Why do I have to be the one to do it? I have been busy the whole day; I barely had time to breathe. Why can’t you ever do it yourself?”
Alternative: “Oh It completely slipped my mind. I was going to ask you to do it instead this morning because I was going to be so busy, but I forgot. I’ll do it right now.”
4. STONEWALLING
Stonewalling refers to withdrawing from interaction, shutting down, or refusing to engage verbally or emotionally. It is often a response to contempt. This creates emotional distance between partners and leaves problems unresolved or unaddressed, which often frustrates the other partner further. It is a result of feeling psychologically flooded or overwhelmed when a person feels like they are not in a psychological state where they can even discuss things rationally. Although understandable, a better alternative to this reaction would be to stop the discussion and ask for a break to gather yourself.
Example of Stonewalling:
Partner A: "I just don’t understand why I always have to remind you to do the dishes."
Partner B: (sits in silence, avoids eye contact, crosses arms, stares at their phone, doesn’t respond, gets up and walks out of the room without a word)
Alternative:
A: "I just don’t understand why I always have to remind you to do the dishes."
B: (takes a deep breath) “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Can we take a 20-minute break and talk about this when I’ve had a chance to calm down?”
Although the Four Horsemen seem all doom and gloom, they do not necessarily signal that the relationship has to end. These are just red flags that, if identified and managed in time, can give rise to a stronger understanding and bond between two people. Identifying these patterns is the first step to be able to eliminate them, and to replace them with healthy and productive communication patterns.
HOW TO BUILD A STRONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP?
Gottman puts forth the concept of “Sound Relationship House” that suggests a partnership is like a house. It has different walls and levels/floors that each person builds upon to create a sturdy bond. 7 floors that act as a foundation to build a strong relationship are:
● Ask questions and be curious about each other. Use it as a guide to your partner’s world - their inner thoughts, feelings and experiences.
● Share fondness and admiration. The key lies in the small moments. Vocalize appreciation and affection, and express respect.
● Turn towards them, instead of away. Respond to their attempts at connection (their bids).
● Maintain a positive perspective. Do not focus on the possible negative case scenario and give them the benefit of the doubt. Have trust that you are both on the same team and mean each other no harm.
● Manage conflict. Be considerate of each other’s thoughts and feelings. Engage in repair attempts and Self-soothing to avoid escalation.
● Make life dreams come true. Be supportive of each other’s goals, dreams and aspirations. Help each other grow and celebrate their wins.
● Create shared meaning. Create rituals of connection as the relationship develops. It can be as simple as going out for dinner together every Friday or having a special way to celebrate birthdays.
These steps work together only with a foundation of trust and commitment. Have faith in your partner and trust that they are there for you. Pledge your commitment to the relationship and let it be known that you are there for the long run.
VERIFIED BY: OUR TEAM